Dating Zen

About Online Dating

admin — Tue, 09 Mar 2010 22:57:18 +0000

Online Dating Frequently Asked Questions

When people want to know about online dating, it’s hard to know where to start searching for answers. Some of the most basic questions are hard to find the answers to, when you’re brand new to the online dating scene.

With that in mind, I wanted to answer some of the most common online dating questions, so here’s an Internet dating FAQ for the readers out there.

How Many Poeple Use Online Dating Services?

According to “Online Dating Magazine“, approximately 20,000,000 people visit Internet dating websites every month.

When you consider that those aren’t necessarily the same 20 million people from month to month, consider how many people use online dating resources to enrich their lives every year.

If you meet someone online and start dating, don’t be afraid to talk about it. Just about anyone you talk to is going to know someone else who found love the same way.

Can You Find a Husband or Wife Online?

Absolutely.

Over 120,000 couples who met through dating online get married every year. You have as good of a chance of finding love online as you do finding it in your local bar – I suggest you’ll have a better selection of people.

Increase the scope of your love search exponentially by going online. There are more people, more options and more tools for finding romance than anywhere else. At a bar, you’re only sending out bait when you’re sitting on a stool. When dating online, your lures are out there 24/7.

Why Don’t People on Dating Sites Respond to My Emails?

There are several things to keep in mind. One, if you send an email to a non-paying customer, they might not be able to send a reply to you without paying. You might be charming, but you have to be pretty darned charming to get people to whip out their credit cards.

Two, you might not project a positive image. When I say “positive”, I mean it. People are more attracted to pleasant, positive people. Studies show that, time and again, people respond to positivity and optimism. That’s who people want to be around.

So when you fill out your profile or choose your online dating name, don’t use words like “lonely”, “sad”, “black”, “cynic”. Don’t talk about your divorce or how you aren’t that sure about Internet dating. Talk about the good, positive things in your life. Everybody has them.

Three, you might be asking questions or sending emails that are too generic. People get a lot of emails, so you want yours to stand out. Ask a person a question about something they said on their profile. Don’t make some random comment you could have made to anybody.

In fact, ask the other person questions, instead of talking about yourself. One thing you can depend on people being interested in is themselves, so don’t try to impress them with how brilliant you are, but how brilliantly incisive you are about them.

Besides, statistics show that people only get a reply on 1 out of 20 emails sent out to unique singles on online dating chats and IM’s. Even if you cut that in half with great communication skills, you’re not going to get a reply most of the time. So be specific, but be persistent, too.

What’s the Best Online Dating Website?

That depends on what you’re looking for: someone who likes to dance, a marriage partner, a swinging good time, Christians, cowboys, Jewish people, G&L, lots of different types. Niche singles websites exist to cater to a variety of different needs.

If you want a good all-purpose website where you have a good chance of getting people to reply to your emails and chats, try Lavalife. Lavalife lets non-premium customers (those that don’t pay) to respond to your messages, so that’s a site where you probably have the best chance of getting replies to your love shouts and emoticons.

Does Online Dating Still Have a Stigma?

Not really anymore. Change hits people in weird ways, socomputer dating was stigmatized back in the 1990’s as a place for computer nerds, social misfits and people who couldn’t get a date anywhere else.

That perception has completely changed in just over 10 years. Today, everybody has a computer. Everybody has Internet access, and probably high speed connections. Everyone in the world uses their pc for social networking and finding old friends, so why not use it for love?

The Internet was mainstream by about ‘97 or ‘98, which is when online dating started to become more accepted. 12 years later, nobody but the most antiquarian of people looks strangely at online dating. We’re the mainstream now, and they’re the fringe.

Am I Too Old to Date Online?

Never, never, never. In fact, seniors dating has never been robust. Not that I’m calling the 50+ crowd seniors, but the segment of the online dating population between 50 and 64 is the fastest-growing demographic, according to Lehman Brothers Equity Research.

In fact, if you’re getting into the gray years, the best place to find companionship is on the Web. Two-thirds of all seniors who start looking for a new partner look on the Internet. If you’re a little older and looking for a love or friendship, the Internet is your best friend.

Remember, there are sites specifically for your age bracket, no matter how old you are. Most of the bigger online dating websites have sections for senior dating, while every dating website online allows you to set age parameters for your dating interests.

How to End Your Online Dating Cold Streak

admin — Thu, 04 Mar 2010 04:17:53 +0000

End Your Internet Dating Slump

If your Internet dating life hasn’t been going well lately, learn tips for how to end your online dating cold streak.

Guys and girls who are in a dating slump wrack their brains trying to figure out what they’re doing wrong, but dating mistakes are sometimes hard to spot, if you’re in the middle of the habit.

Getting a few online dating tips help sort through the mess that singles life becomes sometimes.

People complain all the time that they don’t get enough follow-ups when people see their profile or get their emails, so here’s suggestions to try and pitfalls to avoid in the online dating community.

Be More Selective – Online Dating Advice for Men

Many men new to online dating websites tend to scattershoot: they send out dozens, if not hundreds, of generic winks and “hi’s” and emoticons. They assume that, if they put 300 buoys in the water, some lucky woman is bound to bite.

Instead, take your time, search through profiles of women you have things in common with and target your emails and chatlines to those women. Select likely love matches and put your effort into fewer profiles, but profiles that correspond to your likes and dislikes.

Be Less Selective – Online Dating Advice for Women

Women, on the other hand, tend to be a little too choosy in Internet dating cirlces. Because there’s a relationship site with thousands, if not millions, of available men, female online singles tend to raise their standards, sometimes to unrealistic levels.

If your profile says you only date men who make $150,000 a year, you’re probably not going to get many guys pinging you. You may be trying to separate the wheat from the chaff by raising the bar high, but this is probably driving away a lot of potentially good love matches.

Money isn’t the only parameter that hurts your chances. If you have unrealistic standards according to looks or location, this severely limits the scope of your online dating possibilities. The great thing about dating online is the huge pool of men to choose from, so reducing your options undercuts one of the great reasons to be dating online.

Avoid Generic Openings

First impressions are huge in live dating, and they’re huge in online dating. One of the great things about getting to know one another in a chat room, a forum or an email is that you can edit your thoughts. You have more time to be clever.

With that in mind, have a good opening line. Don’t throw out some generic line. Read the person’s profile and send an email tailored to that profile. Show you read what they wrote and found something interesting.

Not only does this show you’re interested in more than just their profile picture, but it stands out among all the other hellos and smiley faces this person is getting. Like online dating website tip #1, this is a matter of quality over quantity, taking the time to make one good opening, instead of 5 bad openings.

Have a Flattering Photo

Let’s talk about first impressions again. We’ve discussed pickup lines and opening sentences. But the first impression this guy or girl is going to have of you is your profile photographs. It’s pretty simply: if your photos suck, you suck.

Take time to post a good photograph of yourself. Dress up, take a nice photo with your smiling and post it. If you add any photos for the sake of “color”, making sure they’re flattering photos. Imagine this person is watching you perform whatever activity is being depicted in your picture, then ask yourself if you would want an attractive person of the opposite sex seeing you do that in person.

If the answer is “no”, then don’t post that as your profile picture.

Take a Hiatus

If nothing else seems to be working, take time off from online dating. Recharge your batteries. Get new stories and interests. Get some perspective.

People can try too hard.

In baseball, when a batter is in a slump, they do something called “pressing”. That is, they hold the bat too tightly. They swing too freely, or they swing for the fences too much. Whatever the case, they deviate from the plan and make the slump worse.

Getting away lets you clear your mind and refocus on what you’re doing. You get away and gain a little perspective. In baseball, they would call it getting your head on straight or “get your head right with ball”.

I know that’s terrible grammar, but it is ball field jargon. But enough with the sports talk.

Imagine an Internet dating slump, where you can’t think of one interesting thing to say to the opposite sex, is like writer’s block. You simply can’t think of the right words…right now.

Take time to renew yourself. Rejuvenate. Get new inspiration.

Once you’re away for a little while, you’ll probably find your online dating life is fresher and brighter and you have something to say again.

There’s no one way to succeed in online dating and there’s no one way to end your online dating cold streak. One any or all of the techniques above, to see if it changes you luck in the singles world.

Best wishes.

Online Dating Success Stories

admin — Tue, 09 Feb 2010 01:57:37 +0000

Internet Dating Successes

Let’s focus on some online dating success stories. We featured “Bad Dating Stories” the other day, which focused on the dark side of the singles scene. There are good dating stories to focus on, though.

We only have two love matches to report today, but both of them are wonderful tales of love and romance. The online dating singles forum sometimes lets people get to know one another better than any bar conversation will, because you have time to think about your feelings and the anonymity lets a person open up more than they might otherwise.

Online dating chats are all about, as Hamlet said, “words, words, words”. You have nothing to hide behind, as long as both people are honest. As you can see, that was the case in both of these instances, as two women each met a friend, lover and companion through web dating.

Online Dating Success Story #1 – Three is Enough

I was skeptical about Internet dating, because those people were always portrayed as freaks in the movies. So when my marriage ended in divorce and work and two kids didn’t leave me a lot of time and energy to meet guys, I decided to try an online dating website. I figured no one would know but me.

First, I filled out a profile at Match dotcom. Feeling embarrassed, I left it there for a few months. Months later, feeling lonely and not having many prospects for a relationship, I logged on to see what it looked like.

It was a rainy Saturday afternoon and the kids were at their Dad’s, so I had the rare time to read the comments and browse. One guy (Robert) who had tried contacting me the previous month caught my eye. Turns out he was online at the same time and we ended up chatting on IM for a couple of hours. Soon, I was laughing and having a good time.

Turned out that Robert was an hour and twenty minutes away and he was raising a daughter as a single father. That didn’t sound good to me, so I put the breaks on a face-to-face meeting. After about 6 weeks of chats on Match and Facebook, we decided to meet. The chemistry was immediate.

We dated off and on for a year. Our families met. Robert’s daughter wanted to move to a bigger school to play on a better sports team (tomboy) and we lived in a good school district, so the next thing you know, Robert got a transfer to move within 10 minutes of the house. The kids got along and everyone has a good attitude, so Robert and I will be married this June.

Online dating works.

- Elizabeth

Online Dating Success Story #2 – Forged in Tragedy

So I rejoined one of the big online dating communities after my relationship came crashing down in flames. I wasn’t looking for a serious relationship, but I wanted to jumpstart my social life again.

The next thing I know, I’ve met Travis. Turns out the two of us went to rival high schools in the same area and graduated the same year. Then it turned out we went to the same university, but never met. Travis and I had the same interests in music and movies and he looked hot in his profile pictures.

We took it slow at first, though. Travis was driving out of town on the weekends because of a family illness, so we became online penpals. Because of his family situation, Travis spent all his extra time on the road. We would each log on at 11pm and talk almost every night, sometimes for 2 minutes, sometimes for 2 hours.

In that time, I helped Travis deal with the loss of his mother to cancer. We became a whole lot closer than any online friends have any right to be, which was strange, since we had never seen one another face-to-face. Somehow, the impersonal nature of our connection let us connect in a way I never had with a man. I became his amateur shrink and his own personal clown, to help him through the bad times and give him something good to look forward to. At a point, I would give Travis his IM joke-of-the-day, which he asked for.

So his mother dies and I felt bad not attending the funeral, because I felt like I knew her. (I sent flowers.) Travis told me he didn’t want that to be our first meeting, but we agreed to meet about a month after.

We agreed that we had a good friendship, but neither of us knew whether we would have any romantic chemistry at all, after the way we met. The two of us discussed a date, but we also discussed expectations and how we might be better off as friends. Travis and I decided we would be totally honest with one another, if the sparks weren’t there. That’s an odd way to meet a romantic partner, we both agreed.

When we did finally meet, it took five minutes to realise there was tremendous chemistry. The physical attraction was wild, while the two of us felt like old friends. It was like some love affair in a movie. Once we met in person, it was only a matter of filling in the blanks: getting to know the voice, the touch, the smell.

That all came soon enough and Travis and I haven’t been apart since that first date. I couldn’t ask for a better relationship, one forged at a vulnerable time in one of our lives.

- Kira

Online Dating Stories

If you have any online dating success stories, or some only dating horror stories, feel free to send them to us.

Bad Dating Stories

admin — Sat, 06 Feb 2010 00:07:56 +0000

Bad Date Stories

To show it’s not all wine and flowers, I’ve deciced to post a few “Bad Dating Stories” from readers of ours. I don’t want anyone thinking out there that people reading out how to guides, tutorials and good dating story posts that we’re trying to tell you that dating is easy.

In fact, singles life and dating can be excrutiating at times. That’s why we’re here with “Dating Online”, because we recognize how hard it can be. Just remember to keep a good sense of humor about you and maintain your perspective.

Sure, it hurts your feelings when someone rejects you. It might frustrate or even anger you when a first date you had big expectations for turns disastrous. But that’s just the way life in the romance jungle is.

Note: I’ll leave out the name signed at the end, to protect the innocent.

Bad Date Story #1

A boy in my school named Jacob asked me out for dinner and a movie. It was my first date. We went out and watched a scary movie (Paranormal Activities). I got scared and held his hand and thought we were going to kiss!

I waited for another date the next weekend, but nothing. Then he wouldn’t talk to me at school. Then I found out he was dating another girl at school (Jamie, ugh!). He was just using me to make another girl jealous. I’m so heartbroken!

Bad Date Story #2

I go out on a date with Brad. He has money and he talks about taking my kids to the zoo the next week. We have a nice dinner and a trip to a so-so concert, but it was nice.

We get home and I make the mistake of sleeping with him on the first date (hadn’t dated in a while). Next thing I know, Brad won’t answer my calls. I ask around and it turns out Brad isn’t interested in relationships – that he wanted another notch on the bedpost. That’s fine, but don’t drag my kids into it.

Bad Date Story #3

This guy (Blake) asks me out and I’m not sure, because he has a reputation. My girl friend (Amy) told me I should, because he was cute and other guys would notice. So we decide to double date.

On the date, the whole time, Blake is flirting with Amy and Amy is flirting with Blake. We have a good time, but I feel weird the whole time. The next week, I find out Amy has broken up with her boyfriend and Blake has asked her out.

Now, the two of them are dating and I lost one of my best girlfriends. I’m not speaking to Blake or Amy.

Bad Date Story #4

I get set up on a date with a woman (Becky) who was just coming out of a relationship. I knew it was a bad idea to start with, but I figured ‘why not’?

We go out dancing. We get drunk. Go home and have sex, so we start dating for a while.

A month in, she suddenly mentions one day that her ex called her. I knew what was coming. The next thing I knew, she was “confused” and “had feelings” and all that stuff. Only a matter of time, but she and her ex were together again in two weeks.

Word to the wise to the guys out there: if she mentions her ex, say goodbye. At least go out on your own terms. When their old boyfriend or husband comes into the picture, that means she already has a long history and she never wanted to be out of the relationship in the first place.

Bad Date Story #5

So I asked out a guy at school. He wasn’t that cute, but he was friends with my bf’s boyfriend and kinda cute. He said no and to leave him alone. My friend asked him why he said “no” and he told her I was ugly and he didn’t know me and he hated me.

Worse, he ended up asking out this other girl that I know I’m prettier than. They dated six weeks, but she went back to her ex. When they were dating, he told everyone I liked him and he turned me down. Then he told guys he thought I was ugly.

After they broke up, he had his friend ask me out for him. I said no. Gotta half “respec”.

Bad Date Story Reviews

As you can see, we get readers from all age groups and genders. There was another submission by another guy, but it ended with “but we had sex, so it can’t be all that bad”. Not sure if that qualifies, though the rest of the date sounded horrific.

Anyway, not sure if this was fun, but it was cathartic. Keep sending us your bad dating stories and we’ll post the ones that are appropriate.

How To Date Insecure Women

admin — Sat, 30 Jan 2010 01:08:11 +0000

How to Date an Insecure Woman

Knowing how to date insecure women is one of those invaluable skills that will make your life so much easier. This may surprise you, but like men, most women in this world have their insecurities. Call it baggage. Each of us are dealing with the outcomes of our childhood and the events of our adult life, and so many of those experiences are going to cause insecurity in people.

Long story short, it’s likely you’re going to date multiple insecure women in your lifetime. You can either fight through the crazy twists and turns of personal insecurity and defense mechanisms, or you can learn how to date an insecure woman. Once you understand some of the common things to look for, the reasons these exist and how you deal with insecurities, your life and her life are going to be a lot more pleasant and satisfying.

1. Focus on Her in Public

Try not to gaze at other women when you’re in her presence. If she catches you catching a glimpse of the hot blonde in the short skirt across the room, that’s going to play into her natural feelings of insecurity and inadequacy. She’s likely to put up defense mechanisms that are going to make your life miserable and make it harder to bond with her.

You and I both know that guys look at attractive women for no reason at all. Just because we think a woman is attractive, that doesn’t mean we think our own girlfriend is lacking. But she doesn’t look at it that way.

So when the two of you are in public together, give her your undivided attention and maintain eye contact as much as appropriate.

2. Don’t Make Promises You Can’t Keep

It’s natural for guys to say they’re going to be somewhere at a certain time and then show up late, or occasionally not at all. You might imply you “might come” and then decide not to show. Don’t do that.

More common is the late arrival. Being late shows you would rather be somewhere else, whether you consciously think that or not. Even if you want to be with her, she’s likely to read your tardiness as a sign she’s not important to you.

In the end, you need to stick by your commitments, even the little ones like showing up at 8:00. Once she realizes she can trust you to keep your word, you’ll start breaking through the tangle of her insecurities.

Be where you say you’re going to be, when you say you’re going to be there.

3. Admit Mistakes Immediately

When you’re wrong about something in your relationship, show accountability and admit you were wrong. No guy likes to admit he was wrong, but it happens to the best of us. Don’t let her catch you in lies. If you lie about what you did or where you were, go ahead and admit it to her before she catches you in a lie.

Being caught in a lie destroys trust. It doesn’t matter if you think it’s a big lie or a small lie. The natural reaction is to say, “If he lied to me about this, what else is he lying to me about?”

4. Maintain Contact, But Not Too Much

This one is a tricky one and you can take it too far, so read carefully what I’m about to write. If the two of you are in a relationship where the default weekend night is the two of you going out together, then when the two of you don’t, you need to check in with her and let you know.

That is, call her and let her know what’s up. If you’re with your friends and going to hang out, tell her and don’t just assume she’s going to understand. If you don’t make the phone call, she’s going to be sitting around wondering what’s happening out there and her anxieties and insecurities are going to kick into overdrive.

Make one call. Call her once. That is, don’t let her convince you that you should check in with her all night. That’s unreasonable and co-dependent and simply not very healthy. If she reasonably expects to be going out with you that night, you owe her a call. She isn’t your mother, though. You don’t owe her an hourly report and she doesn’t have the right to interrogate you.

That is, if you’re doing what’s right, she needs to trust you. Either you’re with your friends or you’re with her. Don’t be the guy who keeps calling his sweetie every hour on the hour. That isn’t a sign of a healthy relationship. Don’t encourage her insecure feelings, which is exactly what you’re doing when you agree to an hourly status report throughout the night.

You want to be understanding – not a pushover. Secure women and insecure women won’t respect you if you give into her every unreasonable whim, and your relationship will be worse off for it.

5. Listen When She Speaks

Guys have a habit of only half-hearing what a woman is saying, especially when there’s a distraction in the room like tv, movies, music, games or friends. Guys also tend to have tunnel vision, so when I say you are “half hearing” what she’s saying, you’re probably not hearing a darned word she’s saying. Your insecure woman will figure that out almost immediately and it’s not going to be pretty.

When she’s talking to you, make sure you give her your undivided attention. When you seem to be ignoring her, she’s going to feel inadequate and insignificant and her security isses will start up again.

6. Communicate

Talk to her about your day and your life. Tell her little details about what you did today. It may seem trivial and mundane, but you will demystify these hours you spend away from her. Tell her about your trip to the store or the car wash. Let he know about what you and your friends are doing.

This is a courtesy, more than a privilege on her part. The absence of information is going to give free rein to her imagination, though. If you won’t use basic communication to tell her what’s up in her life, an insecure woman is going to think you have something to hide, even if you don’t.

Good communication is the key to a stable relationship. You don’t have to be a panty waist or a wimp to be a good communicator. You want to be reassuring, that’s all.

Don’t Let Insecurity Become a Way of Life

From all of this, you might get the idea I’m telling you to kowtow to your woman. That’s not the case at all. Most of what I’m talking about is common courtesy. All of my tips on how to date insecure women is meant to allay their fears and insecurities. Her state of anxiety about you should be temporary.

While most of what I advised is something you should continue throughout your relationship, if things appear to be getting worse, don’t let an insecure woman control your life. If she becomes jealous, controlling or paranoid, don’t let her get away with being unreasonable. You should maintain your self-respect, while showing her respect.

Relationships are based on respect and trust. Those two go hand-in-hand. If you do everything I’ve suggested above and her insecurities continue to grow, that is not your fault. Ask yourself if the respect you’ve shown her is being reciprocated. If not, demand that respect or get out of the relationship.

How to Start Dating Again

admin — Thu, 28 Jan 2010 21:47:06 +0000

Dating Tips for the New Singles

If you’ve been in a long relationship or marriage, the singles scene probably seems surreal to you. In many ways, you have to relearn how to start dating again. That’s okay, though, because you have plenty of online friends like myself willing to gives you tips and suggestions for getting back into the world of dating.

Remember that things haven’t changed that much since you were looking for love and romance the last time around. It’s still men seeking female companionship and women seeking male companionship. Most of the time, people aren’t that complicated, and neither is dating. A woman is going to want to be around a man who makes her feel better about herself, while a man is going to want to be around a woman who does the same for him.

1. Don’t Rush in to Things

There’s no reason to rush things. If you just went through the stormy end of a relationship, you probably aren’t entirely prepared to be open and trusting like you once were.

They say time heals all wounds. I don’t know if that’s true, but I think it usually applies to emotional scars. The more time between you and that other relationship, the more this new life of yours will seem like the real thing.

More important, the less wounded you will be emotionally. You may never trust like you did before, but that doesn’t mean you can trust again. Gaining wisdom is about learning something from life’s failures and not becoming a simple cynic.

You’ll learn to trust again. You’ll be able to love again. But the wise man or woman is going to be a little more cautious this time and not rush into a new marriage or commitment. That person isn’t going to shut himself or herself off from the world, either.

2. Avoid Comparison Shopping

You presumably have had your eyes set on one man or woman for years now. It’s natural to compare everyone you meet to that lost someone. That’s not a good idea and I would suggest you limit your mental comparisons as much as possible.

Maybe you have a thing for blondes and your last wife was a blonde. But if you start dating a brunette who is warm and giving and into you, physical comparisons between your ex and your new girlfriend do you no good.

Or maybe your last guy was a bit of a hell-raiser or a man’s man and your new man is calmer and more intellectual. Some of the buttons your old lover pushed may not get pushed in this relationship, and you might not like that.

Remember, in either case, this new person is completely different. There are going to be things about them that are better, while some will be worse. Most traits will be neither, but just completely different. This new boyfriend or girlfriend might not be right for you, but this new relationships deserves a fair chance to succeed or fail on its own merits.

3. Experiment a Little

Along those same lines, many people tend to date the same “types” over and over. Maybe that’s the guy who goes for blondes or curvy women or whatever. Maybe that’s the guy or girl who goes for a controlling or submissive mate. Maybe that’s someone who likes to hang around drinkers.

This time around, try something new. See what happens when you date someone who treats you different than your last partner treated you. Think outside the box. This is a mulligan, a reboot, a chance to start fresh. So start completely fresh.

Date somebody who isn’t your type and see where that takes you. Your friends might think you’re crazy or going through a mid-life crisis, but don’t listen to them. Or, on the other hand, if your friends want you to date someone you don’t think is your type, give it a try and see. It’s a date, not a marriage.

4. Try Online Dating

Open yourself up to a whole new world of possibilities. If you haven’t been on the dating scene for the last 10 years, you probably haven’t been on an Internet dating site. Join a dating website or a handful of them and see where that takes you.

One, online dating lets you cast a much bigger net than you otherwise would. Most people are going to be limited to the people at their workplace, the singles their friends know and the local bar scene. Posting an Internet profile and browsing through other files increases the scope of your search by a factor of a thousand (and I’m being conservative).

Two, online dating lets you dip your foot into the water and move more slowly than you otherwise would. You’ll be able to chat or IM with the opposite sex, exchange pictures and emails, swap stories and get to know these other people before the first date ever happens. Web dating is like having a penpal you’re eventually going to meet for a date.

If nothing else, joining the online dating community lets you start envisioning yourself interacting with the opposite sex in a romantic kind of way.

5. Know Yourself

Try to take stock of yourself and your needs. Ask yourself what was missing in the last relationship that you would like to have in the next one. Think about your emotional needs and your sexual needs. Know what you want.

This situation gives you a chance to analyze your life up until now and figure out what it is that’s going to make you happy. You’re not a kid anymore, so maybe your relationship decisions should be more informed. Figure out what you want and go out and get it.

6. Be Yourself

Finally, when you do go out there, be proud of yourself and what you have to offer to another person. You’ve been in a long relationship before, so you know what it is to give of yourself. You obviously have a lot of positive qualities and you shouldn’t let anyone or any set of circumstances take that away from you.

When you meet a new romantic partner, be honest and straightforward about your needs and wants. Let them know that you were hurt in your last relationship, but don’t dwell on the past or discuss at length how it all fell apart. Just let them know where you came from, then focus on where you’re headed.

Once you are honest with yourself and others and you have reassessed where you are in life and what your relationship needs are, you’ll have figured out how to start dating again.

How to Date an Insecure Man

admin — Thu, 28 Jan 2010 06:22:28 +0000

Tips for Dating an Insecure Male

So you’re dating a man who makes you laugh, who actually listens to you when you talk and with whom attraction is no problem. The one problem is that this man is a little insecure, perhaps because he’s coming out of a divorce or his ex cheated on him or he’s going through a job change.

Learning how to date an insecure man who is otherwise a dream involves understanding his insecurity and tailoring your time together with empathy for security issues. It might be worth your time to help this guy through this rough patch.

I’m not suggestion you stay with a guy who has raging insecurity or who is insanely jealous. But no one is perfect and just about any relationship is going to have issues to deal with. Dating an insecure man isn’t the worst problem to have and, if you can manage that problem, trust issues will eventually go away or be mitigated in time. Here’s how you handle a man’s insecurities, increase the romance of your circumstances and make your relationship work.

1. Avoid Too Much Conversation

Guys tend to bond with other guys by doing things together: sports, games, hobbies, workouts, concerts, drinking, repairs, you name it. Highlight one or two of those activities and incorporate them into your dates, which will help the two of you bond. It’s the 21st century and physical activities can be dates, too.

Go hiking together. Roller blade or bike together. Maybe a rock climb is in order, or even a sky dive. If those are a little too extreme, consider bowling, putt putt golf or a trip to the batting cage. If you don’t like physical activities like that, then play cards and games together, or go to a concert, comedy show or sporting event together. Heck, have him come over to work out together or help you with repairs.

The idea is the two of you don’t sit down over dinner for a “date discussion”. Instead of getting to know one another in the traditional fashion – sitting and talking in the manner women tend to bond and socialize – get to know one another the way men do. Make this concession and you’ll be able to see this man in a different light, and he’ll be able to see you in a different light. Activities are a great ice breaker early in a relationship, anyway.

2. Let Him Show Off

If he has insecurities about one aspect of his life, meet him in an arena where he is comfortable, confident and skilled. Let him show off the skills and abilities he has. Not only will that build his confidence, but you might be turned on by his display of masculine skill.

This may not seem very romantic at first, but if you think this guy has the capacity to be romantic once he has his “feet on the ground”, give it time. Find out all the things he considers himself good at and pick one of them to be the focus of your date.

Once he knows that you know he’s good at a few things, he’ll be more willing to display other sides of his personality and confront his anxieties “in your world”.

3. Support Self-Improvement

Be empathic, attentive and supportive of his attempts to improve himself. If he’s going through a tough phase and he’s searching for ways to establish himself and gain confidence or learning, put all your support behind that.

Maybe he’s decided to take night courses or online courses to better his education. Maybe he’s looking to get better trained for his job. Maybe he has a dream that he’s never felt confident about pursuing, or he has a hobby he’s always wanted to take up.

If so, give your wholehearted support to these fancies. This is a great way to show him you believe in him by, well, by believing in him.

At the same time, don’t take this support too far. If you start giving him your ideas for how he can improve himself, an insecure man is going to take that as a back-handed criticism every time. You don’t want to fuel those insecurities, but to support him when he tries to become more secure about himself.

4. Build His Ego a Little Bit

A well-placed compliment never hurts with an insecure man. Complimenting a man on his skills or his accomplishments is a better way to compliment him than on his looks. Whatever he’s good at, let him know that you see his accomplishment and acknowledge it.

Better yet, let him know how he makes you feel. If he makes you feel better about yourself, if he makes you feel secure or you just have a great time when he’s around, don’t leave that unspoken. Let him understand that you respect him. Let him understand that you admire him. When a guy feels like he’s wanted and needed, that’s a major boost to his insecurities.

Also, don’t compliment other guys when he’s around, at least at first. A guy will notice if you’re the type who compliments all men and it won’t mean as much when you say it to him. Single out your insecure man for praise.

5. Be Positive and Be Diplomatic

Stay overwhelmingly positive when you talk about your needs and desires. Also, be constructive when you criticize. This is one of the ways relationships often veer out of control, is by one partner unduly criticizing and the other partner reflexively being defensive. Either one of those can make communication difficult, but if you are too critical and he’s too insecure, your romance is doomed.

So let him know the things you enjoy about your dates, your romance and your overall relationship. Be like a teacher and give him positive little tips and hints about what you like, so he will do more of those things. That’s good communication.

When there are things that annoy you about your date, the way he romances you or your relationship in general, be tactful about how you broach the subject. Consider whether it’s worth bringing up in the first place. If you do mention it, show respect in how you mention the subject. Tell him you love him (or, if you’re not that far, “you love being with him”) and then respectfully mention what it is that annoys you. Never mention the word “annoy”, of course.

6. Don’t Encourage Bad Behavior

With all of the above under consideration, remember that you aren’t to blame for his insecurity. Try to help him get over his insecurities by not pushing the buttons that some other woman pushed. That doesn’t mean you should be in charge of rebuilding his self-confidence. All you can do is help. He’s eventually going to have to help himself and heal on his own.

Also, if his insecurity appears to be growing, that’s a bad sign and you should consider exiting the relationship. Out of control insecurities can cause jealous, controlling behavior. Never encourage that kind of attitude towards you. That won’t do you any good or him any good. Reward positive actions and never reward negative (jealous, possessive) actions. Tell him in a respectful, firm fashion if you think his insecurities are starting to control the way he acts. Let him know in no uncertain terms that his jealousy and possessive attitudes will not keep you in the relationship, but cause you to leave it.

Learning how to date an insecure man can be a bit trying at times, but if he’s got a lot of other things going for him and real reasons why this insecurity is part of his personality, then it might be worth your time to suffer through it for a time. A man who has been through a broken marriage recently, who has been cheated on or who has seen his self-image damaged by career troubles might not be naturally insecure, but going through a phase. If so, you might help him end his insecurity and learn to trust again, and this insecure guy might turn into the man you’ve been searching for.

How To Date a Swedish Girl

admin — Wed, 27 Jan 2010 00:12:11 +0000

Dating a Swedish Female

So you want to know how to date a Swedish girl. Maybe you have a Swedish exchange student in your high school or college class. Maybe you’re thinking about spending a year in Sweden. Maybe you’ve become online friends with a Swedish girls, or the two of you have met through an Internet singles site.

Whatever the case, you have your eyes set on a beautiful Swedish woman, but you have no idea why she behaves the way she does.

Worse, you want to start dating this girl, but everything she does is completely different than the American or Canadian girls you know. You have to remember, there are certain cultural differences that come from growing up in Sweden, instead of the United States. Swedish people are raised differently and educated differently. As exotic as you might find her behavior and attitudes, she is going to find your attitude and behavior to be exotic or even strange.

To break down the cultural barrier, here are a few tips for courting a Swedish girl. Not everyone is the same, but you could say these are typical traits you might want to attune yourself to.

1. Be Funny

A good sense of humor tends to be attractive wherever you go in the world, as long as you aren’t too sarcastic and too cocksure with your attitudes. Being able to laugh at life and share a laugh with a girl is important, because that shows her two things. One, it shows her that you are interested in her beyond physical qualities, because you’re willing to share a laugh and appeal to her mind. Two, a sense of humor shows you have a certain confidence in yourself to laugh and carry on.

Too much of a good thing will be bad, though. Don’t show a big ego or be too negative or wry in your humor. Laugh, don’t chide, with your humor. Don’t show yourself to be arrogant or negative in your comedy. Also, your self-confidence can go too far, if it comes across as a big ego.

2. Be Smart

Swedes are among the well-educated and most liberal people in the world. They come from one of the most socialist political systems in the world that is much more secular than American politics. Sweden was a neutral even durign World War II and the Cold War, while they tend to believe in environmental issues, intervening in social issues through the government and gender equality. Science tends to outweigh religion in most spheres of interest, especially how each affects political and governmental decisions.

If you want to date a Swedish girl, you’re likely to impress her more if you show your intellectual, secular side than if you want to discuss faith and religion up front. Conservative Americans might win the heart of a Swede, but that’s less likely to happen. Intellectualism and an attention to history and science will probably impress a Swedish girl more than Bible studies and your devotion to Pat Robertson.

3. Take Your Time

You’re going to have to read a Swedish woman a little differently than an American woman. She might be a little more shy of physical contact than an American might be right up front, so don’t take her shyness or seeming aloofness the same as you would from a North American. If she seems to dig you and enjoy your company, that probably means she’s into you. Patience could be rewarded, if you maintain the romance a little while longer. You may find your Swedish girlfriend will be more reliable and honest than her American counterpart, if the two of you do finally get together. It’s hard to generalize, but that’s my experience, at least.

4. Text Her – Don’t Call Her

Don’t be calling her on the phone all the time. This is considered a little bit more of an intrusion than it would be in North America. Even with Americans, most women don’t want you to call them all the time, especially if they aren’t sure they want to date you.

As I’ve said before, nothing good can happen on long phone calls. You can’t show real affection and a dry recitation of how your day went is not going to sweep a woman off her feet. It’s better to text her to express something clever and let her know (subtly, not directly) that she’s on your mind. Calling her several times a day is likely to be a turn-off. Those kinds of calls are less frequent in Sweden.

5. Treat Her Different Than Your Girl Friends

Showing public affection with your female friends is going to be something different to a girl from Sweden, where public shows of affection aren’t quite as open among friends. If you kiss the cheek or touch on your woman friends, a Swedish girl is likely to interpret this in a different fashion than Americans would.

Keep your hands and lips to yourself around your intimate lifelong friends of the opposite sex or she’s likely to get the wrong message. This is more of a cultural sensitivity thing, but you also show you look at her in a different fashion than the other girls you interact with.

Swedish Characteristics

Below are some typical Swedish traits. These may or may not apply, but if we’re playing the odds, these are likely to be in effect.

Swedish families tend to show less physical and emotional affection for one another than Americans. A childhood in Sweden can carry over into adult relationships.
Eye contact and handshakes are less common among Swedes than Americans. You might say that Swedish people are a little more repressed in this way. While Swedes crave social contact, it isn’t something which comes natural.
Swedes tend to have close knit friendship circles and don’t make new friends that easily. They might be critical of their friends, but don’t assume they are not tight with these people.
Sweden is a secular society and they are taught from an early age that religion has few tangible benefits. Start talking about your religion and faith and that’s likely to be seen as something alien to a Swede.
Swedish people tend to view war as antiquated, barbaric and unnecessary. To a typical Swede, just about any war is a bad idea. Sweden has remained out of warfare since 1814, so they view war as something unnatural and strange.
Swedes have one of the most liberal outlooks in the world. They tend to view global warming as a growing danger in the world and the likeliest way the human race is going to destroy its civilization and way of life. They also view socialism as something other peoples should strive for.

Once again, these are the conventional traits of a Swedish person. You could say these are stereotypes, even. Individuals may depart from the norms radically. But stereotypes exist for a reason, because most people of a nationality tend to exhibit these behaviors. So if you’re playing the odds when wanting to date a Swedish girl, you should be cognizant of the trends.

How To Plan a Valentine’s Date

admin — Tue, 26 Jan 2010 04:09:25 +0000

Valentine’s Date Tips

Planning a great Valentine’s Date requires coming up with a date plan that’s going to be romantic and fresh, while paying attention to the details that are going to make your Valentine’s Day special. Romantic days deserve to be special for you and your partner. If you’re a guy who hates these kind of dates, you need to play through the pain and make Valentine’s Day special for your woman.

Women tend to love Valentine’s Day. If she says she doesn’t love Valentine events, it’s because she’s probably had a succession of disappointing Valentine’s Days in the past. That gives you an opportunity to stand out make this holiday memorable and happy.

Either way, make sure you make this date special for her; that’s the essence of Valentine’s Day dates.

Valentine’s Date Location

Scout out a good location for your Valentine’s Day date. We’ve written articles on date ideas, such as Teen Date Ideas, 50 Dating Tips and Romantic Valentine’s Ideas before, so peruse those if you want suggestions for something a little different for your dating experiences.

When scouting out new ideas, ask friends for ideas about where to go on Valentine’s Day. Search online for businesses and restaurants in your local city or area that might be nice. Even Google something like “date ideas ____” with your city and state in the blank. Brainstorm for dating ideas, then research your potential date sites live.

Once you have a list of destinations, drop by the location and see what it looks like and if the place conforms to your idea of a romantic date setting. If not, cross it off the list, or leave the restaurant on the list for non-Valentine’s dating destinations.

Make Valentine’s Date Reservations

Call ahead weeks in advance and reserve a spot at your date destination or destinations for the night and hour. Ask how busy they expect to be and make sure you aren’t the ones waiting for a table or service.

If you plan on drinking on your valentine’s date, consider renting a room at a nearby hotel. Not only is this safer, but having a different setting to spend the night can often add to the romance of the evening. Remember to make reservations beforehand if you do.

Setting and Atmosphere is Everything

Pick out a great Valentine’s setting, but also make certain you contribute to the setting. Show up with the proper gameface on and talk about romantic, appropriate subjects on your romantic date. Remember, this is supposed to be a pleasant time when the two of you celebrate your love for each other or (if you aren’t in love) at least celebrate the idea of romance. Don’t drag unpleasantness into your happy Valentine’s Night.

Give a Valentine’s Day Gift

Consider giving a Valentine’s Day gift to your romantic partner. This might be flowers when you arrive, a box of candy or a bottle of champagne. I’ve known devoted couples where the man gave sexy lingerie for a Valentine’s Day present, which is kind of a gift for both partners. Only try that if it’s appropriate and the two of you have a healthy sex life.

One special Valentine’s Day gift to give is jewelry of some sort. Valentines is a great time to give an engagement ring, though you better be sure she actually wants to get engaged or married before offering this gift. Also, if you want to give jewelry, but you don’t want to give an engagement gift, then considering offering a nice necklace or ear rings. Be careful how you present this gift, though, because when you pull out a jewelry box, she might think you’re about to propose. If she wants this, she might be disappointed by anything less, and therefore your gift won’t do what’s it’s supposed to do, for either of you.

Set Your Valentine’s Day Budget

Budget for the night of your Valentines Day date. You don’t want to have to skimp on this special night of the year, so start putting a little aside after Christmas or the New Year’s, so the two of you can have a romantic Valentine’s Night.

When budgeting for your Valentine’s Day date, you’ll want to make sure you have the dinner and events covered with either cash or a credit card. You don’t want your credit card declining after you’ve had this great dinner, so make sure you have it covered.

Rent A Limo

If you have the extra cash ($100 to $200), hire a limosine service for the evening. Nothing says special event more than having someone drive the two of you around, and I’m not necessarily thinking of a taxicab. Not only does the limo ride give the two of you more time to talk and be lovey-dovey, but it lets the two of you drink a little more, if you so choose. Even if you don’t, you’ll be able to set the mood and focus on one another, instead of fighting traffic.

How To Hold Hands on a Date

admin — Sat, 23 Jan 2010 01:14:08 +0000

Tips for Hand Holding on a Date

Learning how to hold hands on a date can be a scary process, because you’re dealing with the stark difference between romance and rejection. Between those two is a chasm that many young men are afraid to fall into. Holding hands is a good first step, an intermediate point that allows you to gauge your date’s interest.

When you contemplate the horrors of a hand holding rejection: think of it this way: this young lady is already going on a date with you. That’s a good sign. If you have a good time and don’t botch the hand hold, the two of you could be boyfriend and girlfriend in no time. But trying to hold hands can be awkward to initiate, so here’s a guide for holding hands for guys.

You girls out there can apply the same lesson, if that cute guy seems to be hesitating. Believe me, if you’re pretty sure he likes you, he wants to be holding your hand. He just hasn’t read this article yet.

Preparing to Hold Hands

First of all, be ready to hold hands and let a girl into your personal space. This means to be showered and clean. This means you are wearing clean clothes. This means you have on deodorant and probably a nice smelling cologne. You also want to have brushed your teeth and have fresh smelling breath, because the two of you are right on one another.

Also, make sure your palms aren’t sweaty. If they are, subtly wipe them off before you initiate hand contact. All of this should be common sense, but it needs to be pointed out.

Test the Waters

Test out whether how she reacts to gentle body contact. When you talk to her, touch her on the arm, elbow or shoulder and give it the gentlest of squeezes. Don’t hold on or leave your hand there. Make it subtle and gentle, almost like a nudge or tap. (Don’t nudge her, though.) Notice her reaction.

If she draws away from this, she’s probably not into you. Another option is that she’s shy and not used to body contact, a little repressed and leery of body contact or (more likely) not really into you. If the gentle contact is met with repulse, back off. If you continually go where she doesn’t want to go, you become creepy. Just play it cool and go on as if nothing happened.

If she doesn’t draw away, but seems to not mind or enjoy the contact, it’s time to start thinking about hand holding. In many cases, she’ll initiate further contact with you. That’s a sign that she like you and things are probably okay for hand holding.

Talk Softly

One good way for the two of you to draw closer together is to talk a little softly (in a whisper). Lean in when you do. That’s naturally going to draw her in, if she wants to be nearer to you. Don’t overdo this, because you become the low talker or the “whispery” dude. But play around with it a little and see where it goes. Hopefully, the two of you begin to share personal space and draw closer to one another.

Be Spontaneous and Take a Risk

Luck goes to the bold. Once you have a chance and you feel like things are going in the right direction, don’t dither and hesitate. Be casual and place your hand on hers. Don’t lurch forward and grab her hand. Make it as subtle as possible. Place your hand on hers and see how she reacts. She’s going to do one of three things.

One, she’s going to take hold of your hand. If that’s the case, great: hold hands with your new girlfriend. Two, she’s not going to draw away, but she will keep her hand next to yours, either out of shyness or confusion. If she keeps your hands together, gently hold her hand. Going on talking and be casual, but give her a pleasant smile the next time your eyes lock. Three, she pulls her hand away. We’ll get to that possibility on the next point.

Another option is to run your fingers down her forearm and wrist and she her reaction. That’s a sensual way to initiate holding hands, because that’s a sensation she’s probably not used to feeling.

Find a Good Spot

When you initiate your first hand holding (attempt), make sure it’s in a romantic spot. Go for a walk on the beach, in the park or in the woods. If you go somewhere romantic to park, that’s a good place to hold hands. The movies, of course, are the classic place for hand holding.

The idea is that the place is dark and the two of you want to show affection for one another. If she pulls away, let it go. While it’s not exactly heart-warming good news if she draws back when you try to hold her hand, that doesn’t necessarily mean she’s not into you. As you’ll see later, she might be embarrassed or self-conscious, even if she likes you.

If she isn’t into you, pouting, getting angry or stressing over the botched hand-hold to the point of distraction isn’t going to help your cause. Play it cool and casual and go on with the evening like it doesn’t matter. She probably won’t be into you either way, but if you show it’s no big deal, that’s impressive. It makes you look like you have other options or you have game, which is never a bad thing. Whether you feel like you just got punched in the gut or not, don’t show it.

Pick Your Moment

Some dates are embarrassed or shy about holding hands in public. This doesn’t necessarily mean the person doesn’t like you. It might indicate they are just self-conscious. So don’t try to establish hand holding in a public place.

Even if your boyfriend or girlfriend is happy to hold hands with you in the dark or away from people, they might not be comfortable with public shows of affection, for pretty much the same reasons. So pick your spots and use trial-and-error to know when your girl or guy wants you to hold hands. If they don’t seem comfortable with holding hands among people, respect their sensibilities.

Tips for Holding Hands

When you starting holding hands, hold her hand firmly, yet gently. Don’t clutch at her hand. Don’t crush her hand. Be strong and reassuring, not brutish. There’s a certain skill to the art of hand holding. It’s like the say with the baseball bat: you’ll hit the ball further if you loosen your grip just a little bit.